• News
• Features
• Comics
• Movies
• Merch
• Misc

Search

• Piggybacks for Dumbasses

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hi. My name is Kevin McShane and I’m a jerk that doesn’t know anything about anything. This is where I come to air my uninformed opinion. It’s not a blog, because it’s never updated and blogs are for self-absorbed morons. It’s more like a cathartic column that keeps me from throwing furniture through windows. I would say "I hope you enjoy it," but honestly, I don't think it matters either way.

DISCLAIMER

The thoughts and views expressed by Kevin McShane do not reflect those of Lobrau Productions Inc., its affiliates, or subsidiaries. (Unless you agree. In which case, so do we.)

RECENT ARTICLES

The Worst Movie Posters of All Time

(Here's a hint - they're all from the the same movie)

By Kevin McShane
Sunday January 29, 2006

I'm a sucker for movie posters. Specifically well designed movie posters. I own many more than I have the wall space to display them. I can't help it. I just love the rich, yet succinct visual language of a well designed movie poster.

And it's not just posters from movies I love. Whether I like the film (or have even seen the film) bears little impact impact how I regard the poster. One of my favorite movie posters of all time is from the 1999 Neil Jordan film In Dreams. I never saw the movie (and I hear it was shitty) but the poster sure is neato torpedo.

That said, most movie poster design these days is shit. Long gone are the days when great designers like Drew Struzan, Bob Peak, and Saul Bass ruled. Only to be replaced by those annoyingly Photoshopped "Big Heads Floating In The Sky" we see everywhere. And I guess that's fine. I know that posters aren't what gets people into the theaters, stars are.

So with that maxim in mind, sometimes a studio's marketing department will release "character posters" - a series of individual posters that showcase a specific star of an ensemble film.

To me, every character poster, well designed or not, has to do four things upon first glance:

1. Tell me the name of the film
2. Tell me who's in it
3. Tell me a little about the movie
4. Catch my eye

Good recent examples of character posters are the Sin City posters released by Miramax last year. These posters are well designed, eye-catching, and featured scantily clad Jessica Alba and Brittany Murphy. I really dug these posters. And they passed all of my criteria. After looking at them:

1. I knew the film was called "Sin City"
2. I knew it starred a scantily clad Jessica Alba and Brittany Murphy
3. I knew it was a movie where Jessica Alba and Brittany Murphy walk around scantily clad, and
4. My eye was caught (two guesses why).

So I saw Sin City on opening night. Mission Accomplished.

Following in this long tradition of character posters is the upcoming Focus Features film Brick. Brick is a modern noir in a high school setting that, from the trailer, looks pretty good. Apparently it was the toast of Sundance last year (which isn't hard to be, seeing as though Sundance is quickly becoming the movie festival equivalent of the Special Olympics - "Everyone gets an award!"). Anyway, I'm planning on going to see it. But only because of the trailer, NOT because of the posters. And lemme tell you why:

Because the character posters for Brick are THE WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME.

Look at these fucking things. Have you ever seen a character poster where the main character is fucking scratched out? I know what you might be thinking - the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind teasers did the same thing (and were also from Focus - curious. . .). But at least in those posters you could still recognize the actors. These are completely unrecognizable. Therefore, they're character posters in name only. Don't agree with me? Let's run them through my criteria:

To recap, every character poster, well designed or not, has to do four things upon first glance:

1. Tell me the name of the film: Brick. Right, got it. This one's kinda hard to fuck up. Even if you're Batman.
2. Tell me who's in it: I have no idea. Because the actors likenesses have been COMPLETELY ELIMINATED.
3. Tell me a little about the movie: Again, I have NO IDEA. Judging solely from the poster, Brick is about torn paper. But we all know that's not the case.
4. Catch my eye: Yes, it's true, these posters DO catch my eye. But it's like rubbernecking at a crash site, so I'm not going to count it.

That's only one out of four goals accomplished. I may have gone to a liberal arts college, but even I know that's a failing grade.

Usually, I applaud Focus Features. Like with their movies, they're willing to take chances with their posters and marketing materials. Sometimes it works beautifully (Motorcycle Diaries), and sometimes it doesn't (A Door in the Floor). But in the case of Brick, the marketing people at Focus have prized form over function to the point where these posters FAIL AT THEIR VERY PURPOSE OF BEING MOVIE POSTERS.

Thing is, I used to work in movie publicity. I know how much time and money goes into even the most minute decisions regarding the release of a film. The fact that these posters have been released at all means:

1. Some unit photographer had to shoot the photos used (not used?) in them
2. Some hapless designer had to design them
3. Some art director had to approve them
4. Some studio marketing execs had to choose them OVER some other (probably better) design
5. Some studio legal department had to make sure everything written on them was correct and legal
6. Some studio exec had to glance over them for five seconds, go "yeah, fine" and then go back to green-lighting terrible films.
7. Everyone had to get paid for doing everything listed above.

You'd think that somewhere in that process, someone would say, "Waitaminute, these posters are terrible! What the hell are we doing?" But strangely, no one did.

But the biggest losers in this whole thing are stars of Brick themselves. How would you feel if you worked long and hard on a film, only to have your face ripped completely off your own character poster like some mean-spirited middle school student council election prank? I mean, I know Matt O'Leary is hardly a household name, but c'mon, Focus. Give the singer some.

If I was any of these actors' agents, I'd be furious.

So there you have it. The five worst movie posters of all time. As of this writing, Brick has yet to be released in theaters. So history will tell if this rant is for a blockbuster or a dud. But one thing's for certain - if Brick does gangbusters at the box office, it'll be in spite of these "posters."

Time to go stare at my Polish Weekend at Bernie's poster. Now that's a poster.