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Lobrau Productions : Ask Teeter : Birthday Business

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Birthday Business

Wednesday July 9, 2008

Teetereater is not a licensed therapist. Nor a psychologist. Nor anything else that requires a license. He is merely an opinionated half-man, half-bear who answers questions sent to him at askteeter@lobrau.com.

Level Headed writes:

Our son is 8 months old, and my wife is busy planning his first birthday party. The party will be in February, which makes it too cold for anything outside. She plans to invite 50 guests, including children.

Our house is small, so she wants to rent a hall and have the party catered. Is this too much for a first birthday party? We're saving for a new house, and what she has in mind will be expensive.

My wife says I'm cruel for not supporting her idea of a big bash for our son. I think that having our immediate family together, healthy and alive, is special enough. Am I being a curmudgeon?

Dear Level:

Crumbum. That's the term you're looking for. And honestly, February is so far from now. If your son is 8 months old now, and it's July now, I would imagine that his birthday would be... maybe I should have gotten this email sooner. Shit.

So anyhow, best way to get out of the expensive party is to spend the money before the party happens. First move is to put down money on the new house. Second would be to have a party with 15 people and let it get out of control. Have the neighborhood riff raff come in and slip them a five note to dent up your wife's car and call her a fat bitch. Last thing she'll want after that is to be really sociable.

Tell your wife you got laid off. Spend a week playing online poker while she's at work. Tell her you were sending out your resume. If she still presses for the birthday, hop a flight to Thailand and call her, saying you're in prison. I'm pretty sure caller ID won't help her, and by the time you get back you could pretty much tell her anything and it would make sense (you were a drug mule for kickboxing ninjas, and got apprehended by the police, but the ninjas broke you out by ramming an elephant through your prison cell wall. Now you have to keep a low profile so that the Thai government can't extradite you. It's the perfect plan.)

Sarah writes:

Dear Teeter: I am knee-deep in a quandary. I have a 30-something-year-old friend who throws herself a girls-only birthday party every year.

This soiree always takes place at a nice restaurant selected by the hostess, where guests are expected to pay for their own drinks and meals. The cost usually runs from $60 to $80 per person. In addition, each guest is expected to bring the "birthday girl" a gift.

In years past, I have come up with excuses in order to get out of attending. This year I learned through the grapevine that I'm not the only one who is reluctant to go.

With the economy being what it is, I cannot justify the expenditure of attending this party. How would you suggest I go about being removed from the guest list this year (and in the future)?

Dear Sarah:

Send her a $5 Hot Topic gift card with a note saying "Happy birthday love. I'm sorry I can't attend but I don't have a lot of money. I hope you have a great birthday. XOXO, Sarah"

Seriously though. You should send me the address for her party. That kind of chick fest is exactly the kind of hunting grounds I'm looking for. Unless your 30 year old friend throwing the party is named McShane. That guys knows zero hot chicks. I bet his party will be pants. And yeah, he didn't invite me. But it's not like I would have gone anyways. Unless I could drive him out to where there's this big rock on the side of the highway, and I would do for him what every man in my family has done in order to be a man - I'd show him that rock and then make him watch me get drunk for the night. Then he would finally be a man.

Cake Eater writes:

I have a question about birthday etiquette. When there's leftover birthday cake from a party, isn't it true that the honoree should be allowed to take it home, or does the remainder belong to the person who paid for the cake?

Dear Cake Eater:

The cake is a gift for the birthday person, you know. Don't be a curmudgeon or crumbum. But I like the way you're thinking. So if I buy Toupy a lap dance for his birthday, I get to receive the lapdance because I paid for it. This makes so much sense.

Shocked in Seattle writes:

Not long ago, I attended a birthday party for a 5-year-old boy. After the cake was brought out and the birthday song had been sung, the child's face was shoved into his beautiful birthday cake. The boy cried piteously amidst the roaring laughter of the children and the adults in the crowd.

I, and a few of the other adults, displayed shock, disgust and sympathy for the birthday boy. As if that wasn't enough, his 3-year-old brother was also smeared with the cake and frosting. He, too, burst into tears.

I have seen the same scenario at a 90-year-old's birthday party. Teeter, please give me your thoughts on this. There are other children's birthday parties I will be attending.

Dear Shocked:

Haha. Awesome. I can totally imagine some 90 year old geezer getting his face pushed into cake and then crying "ooooww... my hippp... oooh." Haha. Old people are fun.

I also enjoy the video of the old men fist fighting and then one of them trips on his own feet and hits the asphalt hard. The groan he makes as he apparently breaks some series of bones in his old body is hilarious.

Is Bob Saget still accepting stupid home videos of babies for America's Funniest, or are your birthday hosts all living in the '90s still? Hey

Happy birthday, McShane
-Teeter

Send all your burning questions to askteeter@lobrau.com.