My son, "Tom," and his girlfriend, "Lizzie," had a baby two weeks ago. Tom lives with us and Lizzie lives with her parents, although they hope to get a place together soon.

Tom and Lizze are having a problem deciding on where to sleep. They each want to be with their family. They were going to alternate one night at each house, but Lizzie's mom said it wouldn't be good for the baby, as the baby needs a regular place to live. Is it bad for a newborn to switch beds? Both houses are equipped with all the baby things the little one needs.

Tom works about 30 hours a week and attends college full time. Lizzie doesn't work or go to school. What can I do to help them resolve their issues without hurting anyone's feelings? My son wants to be in Lizzie's and the baby's lives. I just don't know how to help him.

Do you know how hot it is right now? We need to get A/C up in this place. I'm dying here. Do you know how bad it is to be a half bear half man in the summer time? At least during winter my forefathers would hibernate, and you know, it's not really cold here in the winter anyways, so screw that, but damn, it's hot as balls in here.

When did it become permissible for people to rub a pregnant woman's belly? I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and everywhere I go (and I'm not exaggerating) someone walks up to me and starts touching my stomach. A day doesn't go by that it doesn't happen.

I am at the point where I cringe when someone gets too close. Abby, these are people I know -- some good friends, some acquaintances -- like hairdressers or teachers at my daughter's school. One woman touches me every time I see her. When my daughter made a comment to me about it, the friend responded, "Oh, it's OK if I rub mamma's belly. It's just me. She doesn't care if I rub her."

I thought, "Oh, really? I don't recall giving you permission!" I'm a person who needs my personal space, and the fact that it is constantly invaded is about to push me over the edge. When did it become OK to touch someone like that? Am I unreasonable to regard this as invasive? Should I stand there and just allow it?

Dude, I have sweat dripping off my pits. It's like I should just move into the shower. I'm thinking I should get rid of Toupy and the monkey because they're sucking up all the cool air and making it hot. I don't know if cockroaches breath, but if they do then the cockroach gets the boot too. They can go live with the landlord. I bet that guy has air conditioning. I'd live there, but I'm too busy for nude modeling.

Dear Teeter - My name is "Dan." I am 18 and currently incarcerated. I was locked up last March and won't be out for another five months. I'm facing a terrible problem when I get out and I need your help.

I have a girlfriend, "Tiffany," who I love with all my heart and will do anything for. We have been together since I was 14. She has been with me through everything. She's now pregnant with my baby. Her cousin and her best friend are also pregnant. They all know each other is pregnant, but the cousin and friend haven't told Tiffany that I'm the father. She has been asking questions, but they tell her they're "not sure." They insist that it's my place to tell her.

My mother secretly pays for each of the girls' doctor visits and everything they need, but she says she can't keep sneaking around doing this.

It's killing me knowing I'll have to hurt my girlfriend. I don't want her to leave me because I love her, and she has both of my cars, my motorcycle and the house I bought. I'm afraid she will destroy them when she finds out. I'm so worried I can't sleep. Please tell me what to do.

You know what's hotter than my balls right now? Your sex life. I'd give you advice but rather I think I should keep you incarcerated because you're a threat to my game. Just kidding man.

I think I should shave my body and cover myself in banana boat aloe vera, then wait for winter when the weather is reasonable again. I should turn off all the lights in here. I think it's making it hotter.

how do animals stay cool anyways? Do I need to flop my tongue around outside my mouth or some shit? The sun isn't even out right now. Maybe I should migrate north.

Dear Teeter: I think my maternal instinct is kicking in, and it's creeping me out. I've said for years that I never wanted to have children and had no interest in stretch marks and changing diapers. Everyone in my family says I would be a horrible mother. But recently, for some strange reason, I've been having the urge to be pregnant. I still don't want the babies, but I just want a good excuse to sit around in sweats and eat all day. How do I make it stop? I used to be so driven in my career, and now I feel like being fat and lazy is a much better option.

You'll have stretch marks anyways. Why don't you just pretend you're pregnant and eat junk all day. Not like anyone will be counting the days. You could probably get away for it for a year or so before anyone finds out, then you could be like "fooled you!"

That would be class.