My boyfriend, "Ted," and I have been having sex for three years. We are both seniors in college. My family is against sex before marriage, and I have told them that I am against it, too. I promised them that I wasn't having sex with Ted.

Last week, my little sister, who is a freshman in high school, found my birth control pills in my car. She told my parents, and they asked me about it. I lied and told them they belonged to one of my friends.

Should I tell my parents the truth and just accept that we have different opinions, or continue to lie to them?

Birth control pills have a variety of uses beyond the simple control of your ... birthing. For example, birth control pills can be used to keep your cycle regular, if irregular, it can be used to stop the growth of ovarian cysts, and they can be used to improve a woman's complexion. Side effects may include a little weight gain, but if you're sexually active, a little weight gain is a lot better than a lot of weight gain if you know what I mean.

My stance here is that premarital sex is good, just like test driving a car. There comes a point when you've been test driven so much that you're no longer a new car. When you let someone test drive the car, you should make sure to get a copy of their license and a valid credit card, and run a check on the person, just to make sure they are ok.

My definition of an idiot is a dude who buys a car without ever test driving it. The car may look nice, it may be the right brand, color, shape, whatever for you, but until you really give that baby a run for its money, how can you reasonably drop your cash on it? See what I mean?

Having sex with guys before sex is good, because if the guy doesn't know what he's getting in marriage, he may be very disappointed when he finally pokes his peepee in your hoohah.

Some close friends, "Fran" and "Chuck," are in the midst of a bitter divorce. I like both of them and would like to remain friends with them -- but how can I comfort and support one of them without seeming like a traitor to the other one, and vice versa?

Fran has already chewed me out for even talking to Chuck. What should I do?

Don't tell Fran that you talk to Chuck. Don't even bring up the subject. If she asks you, give ambiguous answers. If Chuck has a problem with you being friends with Fran, do the same thing.

Consider your relationship as a tactical game of Hap-Ki-Do. In Hap-Ki-Do, the idea is a yin and yang of fighting. You counter force with compromise, and counter compromise with force. If you make the first move of aggression against these clowns they will be put on the defensive and likely feel like they are making a mistake by dictating who you should be friends with. Be like "dude, who the hell are you to tell me who I can and can't talk to? I'm not doing the guy. I'm here for you, and I'm here for whoever else needs my help." What's she going to say back in retort? That you're a traitor? You never had a choice because your friendship with both of them ran further back than the divorce. Tell her that Chuck isn't the devil, he's a decent dude, and that if he was a complete crumbum who deserves no friends it only makes Fran look like a complete loser. Tell her to deal with it. Tell her to suck you from behind.

Dear Teeter: I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend, "Ralph," 3 1/2 years. We have lived together for three of them. Ralph is 25, and this is the first, and hopefully, last, serious relationship for both of us. We have bigger issues than the one I present to you now, but this is the only one that has me mystified: Ralph never calls me by name!

We both called each other "Baby" and "Sweetie" in the beginning, but as soon as I noticed it, I changed my ways. Ralph said he always preferred calling me by my middle name (a family custom), which seemed sweet and was fine by me.

All that has changed is what Ralph calls me when speaking in the third person. Anyone observing our interactions would -- and rightly so -- assume my name is "Babe"! Why is he doing this? What can I do?

Babe can always return the favor and call him a funny name too. She should pick something a little embarrassing, like "Lumpy" or "One-Nut," but do it publicly. The more people that give him odd looks - the more friends that give him odd looks - the more likely he may be to confront her on it. And when she's calling him a name he doesn't like, which is worse than "babe," his incentives increase to make her stop. This may lead to him calling her by her real name, which as far as I'm concerned, is lame-o.

My older brother is ticked off at me because I sing songs all the time. I sing a few lines, and he yells, "Stop!" Each time I make a little noise, he also demands that I stop. It seems like everything I do he tries to stop me from doing.

My parents try hard to get him to stop yelling at me, but he won't. I'm getting really frustrated. How can I solve this problem? (I'm 7.)

A couple of possibilities come to mind. Maybe your voice sucks. Your suck ass voice grates on your brother's ears enough to make a shy bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass murder. I hate bad singing. If I'm in bed with a chick and she even moans funny I'll have to gag her. Know what I mean?

Another possibility is that you sing well, maybe too well, and your brother thinks you're not being manly. I have no problems with dudes that are like that because it means more kitty for yours truly, but I mean, this guy yelling at you is your older brother and maybe he's embarrassed. Maybe people are talking about it at school.

You should really reflect on this yourself. Are you the last one picked for teams in kickball or soccer during recess? Do kids make fun of the way you talk? Do kids make fun of how you sing? Seriously ask yourself these questions because that may be the overarching problem between you and your brother.

If I'm totally off base here, just do what you do, when your brother isn't around. He doesn't like your voice, so why waste your breath on him. But maybe your brother wants you to be a real bad dude. Are you a bad dude? I mean like really bad ass. Are you bad dude enough to save the president from ninjas? Are you bad dude enough to be a ninja? Maybe your brother is training you into a life of stealth. Stop making noises. Stop singing. Be as silent as you can. Trust no one. You can count on no one but yourself. Improve your skills, son, harden your body, become a number one man! Do not ever let anyone beat you!