Dear Teeter: I have been with my significant other for 15 years, and I would like a suggestion as to what I can do for this special occasion. We have always seen eye to eye, and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

In recent years we have been fortunate enough to travel our great country from coast to coast. We have done pretty much everything you can imagine, going out to eat, going to movies. I just don't have a clue about what to do for our 15th year of being together. Any ideas? Please respond soon.

Have you considered a threesome? You should pitch that idea to her. Better yet - you won't be in on it. Your job is to video tape it. Go get two hobos off the street and have them Chinese fingertrap her while the tape is rolling. Imagine what you get out of that - a stocking stuffer for all the in-laws. You send that to her mom for Christmas and you'll never have to lie about enjoying her mom's fruitpies and meatloaf ever.

I don't really do the whole 15 years with the same chick thing. Doesn't it get boring? There's a lot of fish in the sea, and you're still on the one you caught 15 years ago. Doesn't that give you food poisoning?

I mean, if you caught a fish, how long would it take for you to get bored of her? For me it's a 5 minute fantasy. It also involves a centaur.

It's a reoccurring dream. It starts where I'm confronted with a sexy centaur and a sexy mermaid.

I don't know what happens after I defeat the centaur and the mermaid, because usually I get woken up by Toupy, or the monkey, or I just don't remember.

Dear Teeter: I am an average-looking girl. I'm not in the popular group. I used to let a classmate, "Jared," copy my homework because I'm nice and sometimes give too much.

Then one day, in the middle of class, he asked me out. He could have asked me before or after class, or during lunch, but he did it in the one class full of popular people. The entire class hushed, and his best friend was beside him.

I turned him down because he's popular and my parents wouldn't let me date. I didn't trust him because he's popular and I'm an average girl. I like him, but I was afraid it was some kind of trick -- or even a bet. Should I have given him a chance, even though he's a popular boy?

Obviously, you were being set up for a funny ha ha joke. You did well to avoid it.

Why are you average? You make it sound like it's something you were born with, and could never change. It's not like being born with blue skin and antennas. Improve yourself. Learn how to wear makeup. Get a good haircut, or grow your hair out nice. Use more conditioner. Rub pear cream on your arms.

I remember this one girl. I don't remember her name. Her face. I remember she was cute, and she used pear cream on her hands because they were dry. Women say they wear fragrant creams because they have dry hands, but it's really because the creams are fragrant, and attract men.

Kind of like bird calls. The male birds sing, have fancy plumage, and the females come for them. While this kind of works in modern human society, the bulk of the animal mating calls, in all their various capacities, are performed by women. This is because men, real men, don't give a crap. But a woman performing her own mating call sets off an alarm to nearby men that an ass needs tapping. However, when women make mating calls, they call collect, and men are still expected to pay, in some form or another.

Men sometimes make mating calls, but that's kind of pathetic. Yeah, I may approach women, but it's almost always a woman who is putting herself on the market, with the pear cream.

Dear Teeter: I'm 15, and recently broke up with my boyfriend, "Dustin." I believe in waiting for marriage to have sex, and he doesn't. That's why I ended it.

I didn't want things to go past kissing, but because of Dustin's pushing, prodding and relentless arguing, it did. I would sometimes have to use force to get him to stop.

My mother adores Dustin and made me keep all his gifts and pictures in the hope that we'll get back together. She doesn't know that we were 1 inch from losing our virginity. Should I tell her what happened? And what should I do with the gifts?

Your mom probably knows you were about to get shiggy with Dustin. She probably thinks you already did. That's why she wants you to be with him. You think it's a huge deal? Your mom has had sex with more men than you have. Go ahead and argue that one.

Why are you in a relationship with Dustin? What the hell is the point? If you're not having sex, then your relationship is a lie. He wants to do you and you just want to be friends. You're not getting married any time soon. It's not like all guys want is sex, but if your not having sex with a guy, then you're just a friend. Friends can be very close, but when you have the title of girlfriend, you need to carry out a few responsibilities. You know what I'm talking about?

Maybe you should start slow. No need to go all the way so fast. Run the bases. Frenching, his hand up your blouse, fellatio, A2M, and then sex. Trust me - or at least INTERNET trust me - that's how most women did it, and they didn't wait until marriage either. As for the gifts, shove 'em up your ass, prude.

I was visiting my friend, "Martha," last week and arrived a little early on our way to go shopping. While I was waiting for her to dress, I noticed some photographs on her kitchen counter. I browsed through them and was shocked to see they were pictures of Tom and her husband, "Cesare," naked, in various positions and stages.

Tom has always flirted with me. He has even suggested on a couple of occasions that he'd like to take me out. Of course, I deflected his advances.

But now, after seeing these pictures, I am torn. Tom is extremely "manly." My husband is a kind and gentle person, but he has nothing close to what Tom has to offer. Now, whenever I see Martha's husband, I flash back to those pictures and can't help fantasizing about what it would be like to be with him. This has begun to affect my sex life with my husband. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Should I tell Martha I saw the pictures? Should I tell her that Tom has been coming on to me? Help!

There's only one good way to settle this problem, to save your mental health and your marriage. I think it's time you had a talk with Martha, Cesar, and Tom, and asked them have a full out orgy with you. Obviously, these are kinky people, and you're a filthy dirty cheater.

You should rub some pear cream on your hands before you ask them, you know, to give off a pheromone. Maybe wear some sexy perfume. You gotta be sexy. Read Madame Bovary for about 30 pages, then toss the book. If things go bad, you can read the rest, but for right now, you need encouragement. You're kind of like her right now. Married to the boring nice guy, who loves you, but you want more. You're curious. You're thinking about living out the excerpts from Diane DiPrima's Memoirs of a Beatnik, with handcuffs, and beads...

Have you ever done it with more than one man? How about a man-bear? You dirty slut. Call me. I've got a box of pear cream that was sent to me from this week's sponsor, and I'd like to lather you up with some.