My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us.

Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior?

Your brother in law has pretty much summed up why he shouldn't be the godparent by his own actions. If I had a kid, I'd name myself as the godparent. Why not. I can do it.

You have no obligations except kicking ass and taking names. You should go to your brother-in-law's house, ring the doorbell and Rochambeau him in his bloody taco. Then gently whisper in his ear, "grow a pair."

If you and your husband die, where does the child go? To your sister and angry brother-in-law or to the two strangers who you picked to be godparents? Either way, your kid is going to hate your face for screwing it over. Good job, champ.

I am a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. My problem is a girl in my class. "Angie" thinks she's my best friend. We met in fourth grade, and I felt sorry for her because she didn't have any friends, so I let her hang out with me.

It didn't take long to learn why no one liked her. Angie is insulting, rude, lies, and can't have a conversation without saying something negative about someone else. Avoiding her isn't an option. We live within walking distance of each other, ride the same bus and are involved in many of the same after-school activities.

I have come right out and told Angie to leave me alone, but she thought I was kidding, and I couldn't convince her I was serious. She knows other kids, so I don't see why she can't leave me alone. My friends think it would be a good idea to get her to stop following me around, but no one knows how to tell her to buzz off without being mean.

Please help me, Teeter. I want to make the rest of my school year a good one.

You should get her a boyfriend. Introduce her to a guy, get her a bottle of whiskey, or a pack of wine coolers, and tell her she should have sex with him. I know you're thinking this is the worst advice ever, but it's not. You're wrong, just like you were about all your other instincts.

This solution is so win-win that you should buy me a bottle of whatever the hell I want. If Angie sleeps with some dude, she's going to latch onto him. You're off the hook. If her parents find out, they'll probably forbid her from talking to you, move to another neighborhood, or both. If she breaks up, she'll likely dislike you for setting her up with the jerk. Which reminds me, make friends with the guy as soon as things go sour. The idea is to make you so unattractive to her that she will never want to see you again.

As a last resort, you might want to put a newborn baby in a bag and set it on fire, leave it on her doorstep, and ring the bell. Someone will come out and try to stomp out the fire, even though they should know it's probably just a bag full of crap, even though it's actually a bag full of baby. Try to follow me here - you may want to lay low a little after doing this. Police may look for you if you are in any way linked to this, but the plan is cast iron. You'll never deal with these people again.

I am 12, and people say I am cute. My problem is, I want boys to like me for who I am, not because I have a big bust. I hate it. How can I make boys realize that I am much more than that?

Forget those boys. They're always going to be jerks. I'll be your friend. Do you have any pics? Wait, you're 12? Oh god, I feel nauseous.

Dear Teeter: My boyfriend is coming back from a long trip abroad, and I'm feeling a little nervous. After having all the great perks of living a bachelor's life, he's going to make the switch back to boyfriend mode. We're pretty much going to be moving in together for the next month or so (which is making me even more nervous because I've only had female roommates). Do you have any advice? Calming words?

Honey, your biggest problem is that you may be less exciting than his old life, and that he decides to return to that exciting old life of drinking, debauchery, and no responsibility.

My advice here is critical, and you should pay attention to all of it. You gotta go out and buy a few costumes. Like the sexy cop, the French maid, jail bait, anything to keep him on his toes. Get some sexy lingerie too.

Buy a lot of alcohol for the place. Beer is a good idea. Jack and cola. Mixers. And gatorade for the next day. Your plan is to make his new life as good as his old life. Hand-cuffs, rope, roofies, a video camera, and a lot of blank tapes come to mind as things I'd like to see if I was this guy.

Make me proud. I have faith in you.