Dear Teeter: I need some advice about my boyfriend. We have been dating for three years. He started off our relationship telling me he loved me.

About a year ago, he began introducing me to everyone as his "roommate." When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't love me anymore. We still live together -- until I move out -- and he tells me often that we should stay together because we get along so well.

I'm confused. What exactly is it that he wants from me?

You call him your boyfriend, but he said he doesn't love you. Maybe you're just friends now. You should figure out what your status is, and what he expects from you by talking to him. If I was psychic I'd tell you what he's thinking. But I'm not, so you'll have to ask him.

You know, guys sometimes tell women silly things, like "I love you" because they know if will help them get what they want. 3 years? I can only imagine he got a lot. 3 years is a lot of time to grow, mature, and change. He's not the same guy he was 3 years ago.

Tell him you're interested in dating other people. If he's cool with that, and cool with living in the same flat with you, then why ruin a good thing. You could be like Will and Grace. You bring home guys, he brings home guys, frozen pizza and canned laughter.

You're a grown woman. You could have moved out a year ago when he started addressing you as his roommate. Do you still have sex? Do you still have feelings for him while he sleeps with you, knowing that he doesn't love you - he's just horny? How does that make you feel? Are you going to take that lying down? The guy needs to be taught a lesson.

Your "bf" is all about convenience. If you move out, he has to work to find another roommate - or figure out a way to afford the entire apartment on his own, if it's only a 1 bedroom or studio, which kind of seems likely. Who's going to cover that rent? His mom? He wishes, I'm sure.

Then he's going to have to go find a sex toy again. Most guys will say that's not easy work. Just look at my roommate. I think he's still a virgin. At least that's what I want to think.

If you have any dignity left, you'll move out at the end of the month - right before rent is due, while he's out, and not let him know at all. Let him get burned on the rent. If you think that won't burn him, take his comic book collection and set it on fire too. Nothing pisses off a guy like that.

Dear Teeter: A good friend of mine recently returned from a three-week vacation. When he left, he had hardly any hair. When he returned, he had a full head of hair. It is blatantly obvious that he got a hairpiece.

Would it be rude to compliment him on his "new" hair? If he had gotten new glasses we would all compliment him on those. But how do you go about complimenting someone's new hair?

Dude, you're obviously not good friends if you can't be straightforward with him. A good friend will tell you when you're doing something funny, stupid, or whatever. A great friend will let you do it and laugh when you realize what an ass you're being.

I'm pretty sure that the guy knows he's wearing someone else's hair. He probably doesn't want to hear anything from you guys, because that's personal stuff. People aren't all blessed with great hair. Some people don't know how good they look, despite being bald. Some people know they look good bald (Jason Statham, guy from the Transporter). Some people look bad bald, but even with hair, they'd look bad. But either way, there is a natural human prejudice against baldness. Poor guy didn't choose his hair pattern.

The best thing to do is encourage people to keep doing what looks right, and not tell them straight up what looks wrong. So when you see him out without a rug on his head, tell him he looks sharp, dapper, or whatever floats his boat.

Or maybe, you should buy him a new hairpiece. Maybe one in a different color. Nothing says ridiculous like being given a hairpeice as a present. Get him a bright orange one, or hot pink.

Have you ever heard of a "merkin?" Back in the silent film days, some women would wear these wigs, or hairpieces, over their private areas, made out of pubes, because after getting crabs they'd have to shave off their hair. Yeah it would be rude. Don't say anything. Do people compliment you on letting your friends do stupid things?

My beautiful wife turned 41 a couple of months ago. Since then she has had extra piercings in her ears and has taken to wearing thumb rings, toe rings and ankle bracelets. Yesterday she pierced her navel. I am embarrassed for her. We have a 13-year-old daughter who is also embarrassed for her. How do I tell my wife she looks silly?

What's your wife going to do if you tell he she looks silly? Dump you? Come on, man. You've been with her over 13 years, assuming, and you can't talk to her? You should probably talk to her before she enters the level of gross.

Why is she even getting all these piercings? Is she bored or something? Is she trying to be 20 years younger? Is the female mid-life crisis getting a bunch of piercings instead of a convertible sports car and a hairpiece? If her behavior is strange, you gotta find out the reason. It's your duty as a husband.

Maybe she's doing it to make herself more attractive to you. You know, like making her look younger. You should tell her to get her tongue pierced, for oral sex, or some nonsense.

You might also try asking her if you can pierce her. Maybe that's what she wants, man. A real good piercing with your needle. Know what I mean.

Dear Teeter: My wife thinks I'm weird because I put ice cream on my shredded wheat in the mornings. I figure it's a dairy product, and besides, it tastes good! What's your opinion?

Cereal is also good with cigarettes. Cigarettes, while non-dairy, come from tobacco leaves, which make them part of the vegetable food group. You should try to get as many vegetable in your diet as possible, for a healthy lifestyle. Another combination I enjoy with cereal is beer, which is made from hops, a member of the grains family. Sometimes beer also has a fruity taste to it, which lends it to the fruits and vegetables group. While ice cream is good for strong bones, I don't need it. Vegetables and grains like cigarettes and beer I can enjoy all day long.

To be honest, I don't really eat that much cereal anymore. I figure, what's the point? I can just have beer and cigarettes and get plenty of my whole grains, fruits and vegetables groups. All that's missing would be dairy and meats. Far be it from me to be a vegan, sometimes I appear to be one, just out of convenience.

Maybe you're actually eating ice cream for breakfast, and topping it with cereal? It's possible.