For the past year and a half, I've been dating a 41-year-old man named "Matt." I spend every weekend at his place. My problem is I am still living out of a suitcase. Matt hasn't offered me a place to keep my things, and I'm tired of taking clothes and personal items back and forth. It feels like I'm homeless.

Matt also won't answer the phone or check his messages when I'm there. When I mention it, he accuses me of being suspicious and too sensitive. Should I continue with him or pack it in? I should add that we have lots of fun, and he's told me he loves me.

Let Matt live his life. He's only got one life, and he knows he's not going to make it out alive, so he's going to do what makes him happy. Some nights it's you. Some nights it's something else. Not necessarily someone else. But hey, who cares.

The reason why I refuse to settle down with just one woman is because of women like you, who comprise the majority, that always want to change their man, or expect better. DUDE, you're having fun, leave it at that. What more do you want? A whipped man at your beck and call? So everyone you know laughs at you behind your back, saying what a weenie of a man you have?

Matt is probably a secret agent for the KGB or MI6, or MI5, who knows, but the guy is a walking enigma and you sleep with him. Maybe you would rather sleep with Rick Moranis. That would be like me choosing Renee Zellweger over Jessica Alba - my sexuality would completely enter doubt.

Dear Teeter: I am in middle school and have been helping my friend, "Liz," with her schoolwork. When Liz first asked for help, I didn't mind. But now she expects me to do all her assignments.

Yesterday after school, I tried to help Liz with her homework in the library, but she kept wandering off to talk to friends. I don't want to help someone who doesn't make an effort, but I feel responsible because Liz's grades are falling fast. What should I do?

Next time you're doing her homework, draw a penis and a smiley face on it, followed by the letters "LMK." Either she notices and has to address your business proposition, or her teacher notices and confronts her with his business proposition. Either way, mankind will win.

If she turns you down, I'd suggest getting a sharpie and drawing a big whang on her locker door, next to a "<3." I'm getting emotionally involved in this answer. I better stop.

Why are you being trifled by this chick, dude? You should be out there trifling chicks instead. Your conduct here is disgraceful. Do I have to hold your hand into the path to manhood? From here on out, you have no time for Liz. You have better things going on. Even if better things involves planting drugs in her locker and tipping the school that she sells weed.

You're just too nice. How's that working for you? Has she been givin' you a little somethin' somethin' or are you left biting your pillow at night. You can't allow this to continue.

Screw Liz and screw her grades. The harder she falls, the better your grades get on the curve. Make it happen. This is what men do.

I invite my best friend, "Ellen," out for lunch about twice a month, so we can sit down and catch up on our lives in person. I look forward to it, and consider it female bonding time. Because Ellen currently has a low-paying job, I foot the bill for these outings. I don't mind doing it because I enjoy her company.

Ellen's husband, "Tom," is out of work, and frankly, he's not looking very hard to find another one. (Most of his unemployment checks are spent on movies, video games, etc.) My problem is that Ellen usually asks me if Tom can come along with her to lunch. I always say yes because I don't know how to say no without offending her.

This leads to another problem. My budget only allows for a certain amount of fun stuff. Paying for Tom drains my budget pretty quickly. He invariably orders the most expensive items on the menu, and a $30 luncheon becomes a $50 or $60 tab.

Is there a nice way of telling Ellen that her husband's presence interferes with my one-on-one time with her without offending her or embarrassing me?

You gotta re-evaluate your friends here. Is Ellen even on your level? I don't think so. Ellen is not your friend. She's a mooch. A freeloader. A parasite. And her husband worse.

I'm imagining this husband wife combination as Quato from Total Recall. A mild-mannered loser from the outside, but carries around this parasitic psychic freak on the inside. I would not give those people the air.

If I was in that situation where the husband tags along I'd let them order and eat then tell them I forgot my wallet, and that I only have a $10 bill. Make sure you do it in front of the waiter. While they're washing dishes in the kitchen, key their car. She's not your best friend. Best friends care about each other. She's inconsiderate to your needs. Return the favor.

Seriously, next time "Tom" orders something, secretly tell the waiter to add his own seasoning to the steak. Make your meal memorable, and enjoyable, the Teeter way.

Dear Teeter: I have a problem with my boyfriend, "Jim," that we can't settle. We both travel for work. He's happy to drive me to or from the airport, although I never ask him to. He feels it's a romantic gesture that couples do for each other when one is away for more than a few days.

Personally, I prefer getting to and from the airport by taxi, bus or subway -- by myself. I don't care if he meets me at the airport, although he wants to.

Jim travels three or four times a year, but he often arrives at night. Driving to the airport is a stressful burden for me even during the day. I absolutely hate driving at night.

Jim was recently gone for two weeks. I refused to meet him because he was landing at night and he lives closer to the airport than I do. (Three subway stops and a cab ride.) He said it was the principle of the thing, and if I didn't want to drive, it would mean a lot to him if I took a cab or the subway and met him at the baggage claim.

How do I handle this in the future and not feel like a bad person, because I strongly disagree with my boyfriend on this subject.

Just do it one more time, and when you get there, tell him you got mugged and the mugger took your purse and cell phone and all your cash (a lot of cash, as far as he'll know). Curse him out and call him any four letter word you can think of. Make sure you also tell his mom about it, crying. Tell his friend's wives about it. Make him look like the biggest jerk in the world. He'll be forced to buy you a new purse, cell phone, and give you a good sum of cash. He'll also stop asking you to make long trips to the airport. Also, make sure you steal some of his stuff first in case he dumps you over this, so you can exchange them for cash at a consignment store. Good things to steal would be like his comic book collection (sell it for $25, just for spite), old video games, and other stuff he collects and doesn't use.

You're probably thinking you would feel like a bad person for doing this, but what is bad? You're training him, helping him mature, and doing good for yourself at the same time. Forget the simple notions of good and evil, and look at the big picture. Whether he stays with you, or leaves, he needs to be taught a lesson in life, a lesson in love. Teach him that lesson. "Did they teach you THIS in the CIA?!"