Dear Teeter: I am 21 and my girlfriend, "Sarah," is 19. The other day she was invited to a party at which she told me she intended to smoke marijuana. She knows I disapprove of drugs and alcohol. When I became upset, she told me to "lighten up."

I love Sarah with all my heart and want nothing bad to happen to her, so I wrote an anonymous letter to her mother explaining the situation. Sarah didn't get into trouble, but her brother did because he had marijuana on him at the time. Because I told her mother what was going to happen, nobody was able to do what they intended at the party.

Now they're all mad at me. I have been getting hate messages on my answering machine and via e-mail. Sarah promised to call me before the party, but she didn't and went anyway.

I visited her at work and tried to talk with her, but she isn't speaking to me. I have apologized countless times, saying I didn't mean for anyone to get in trouble. I love her more than anything, but I don't feel any love in return. I am very shy, so I find it hard to talk to her. What can I do?

You tried to do the what you thought was right, and got canned for it. Her brother now thinks you're a douche. Her mom probably thinks you're a douche. Your ex-girlfriend's friends all think you're a huge douche. I am willing ot put money on what your ex thinks about you. But you're not necessarily a douche. Somewhere out there are people, and maybe even a woman, who would respect and appreciate what you did. Just not your ex.

Anyhow, marijuana is for the children. I have no interest in smoking weed nor its fans. It makes smart people stupid. Worse than that, it makes stupid people think they're smart.

Personally, the Teeter doesn't care for drugs. I've got enough vices with cigarettes, whiskey, and lots of women. These vices cost money and it's not like I'm sitting on a pile of cash. Maybe if I was rich, yeah, but I'm not. Besides, it's hard enough finding a job when I'm part bear. No need for me to make it harder by smoking weed.

Don't get me wrong here - you're still a douche. You effectively stopped a bunch of kids from having fun, grampa. Ah, just kidding. You're alright. Dude, she's not for you. You don't approve of drugs and she does. Why were you even together? You can't find someone better? I guess you'll find out now.

I have been house-sitting -- and paying rent -- for a retired couple for the last six months. They are traveling in an RV, so I moved into the spare room, collect their mail and keep their house in order.

They come back to town every few weeks so one or both of them stays a night at the home. This was OK until last night.

The husband wasn't supposed to be at the house. I was expecting him tonight because he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. When I came home and saw him there, I was a little surprised. I was tired from a hard day at work, so I went to bed early. This morning, I awoke at 6:15 to my door opening. The husband came into my room, said he was cold, and jumped into my bed. He was naked! I told him he was a freak, jumped out of bed, rushed into my bathroom, locked the door and got ready to leave for work. I didn't see him before I left.

Should I call the wife and tell her what happened? I am staying at a friend's tonight because I don't want to run into him again. I no longer feel safe with him there. Should I find a new place to live? I'm 31 and he is in his 60s. Yuck!

First off, read the lease. This might be part of the lease, in the fine print. You have to read the fine print, which may include a clause about sleeping condition, and the right to prima nocte, such as in ancient Brittish law. I mean, remember Braveheart. Old white men will write anything into law. Personally, I don't trust old white men.

This lack of trust goes back to my dad. You see, I was a child of conflict, and the love affair that spawned me was like that between a Palestinian and an Israeli. My father and his thunder stick tried to bring the fear of God to the innocent forest dwellers that were my mother's people. He gained their trust, and now my mother, stuffed, a symbol of his white identity. Never trust old white men.

Regarding your roommate problem, just lock your door, and put a chair in the doorknob to brace it. Problem solved.

Or, tonight, go home and cover your bed in saran wrap and on top of that, put fly paper. Then put your pillows into the shape of you sleeping face out, kitty in. Then go to your friend's place to sleep. Your landlord will probably try this again, at which point he'll see what he thinks is, jump and try to spoon it. The result would be him covered in fly paper. See if he wants to explain that to his wife.

The more drastic solution involves moving out permanently, but first, find a homeless black guy on the street and tell him he can sleep in your room. Sneak him in through the back, tell him he can't go to the other rooms, just that one bed room (for the element of surprise), and let the landlord jump into bed with the homeless black guy, naked.

While sitting with my husband in the hospital following his surgery, a nurse entered his room. We all chatted while she took his pulse, etc., when -- without warning -- she removed his covers to check the surgery site and totally exposed his genitals.

I was shocked and embarrassed, and have trouble ridding myself of the image of my naked husband lying there in front of another woman. I wish the nurse had given me the chance to leave the room.

Is there something wrong with me for having so much trouble with this? What can I do to avoid this in the future?

It's just skin. God forbid you're the only witness to his manhood. There's probably at least 30 women out of there who have seen his junk. That number doesn't count his mom and the nurse that helped bring him into this world.

You know how many women have seen my junk? A lot. That's how many. My junk has been witnessed on 6 continents, half of which I have never stepped foot on.

The more people that see your junk, the greater your power becomes. This is why the rulers of the world are all men. Yes, there are great women, but the fact is, they either have a dark secret (secret junk), or their power will never increase. Ever. Not through junk magic at least.

Remember the Clinton scandal, the blue dress, the soggy cigar? You know what that was? Clinton sensed his power was waning in a critical moment of national security. As a true patriot, he sought to increase his powers by showing his junk to a woman. We don't know what that crisis was, but if it weren't for his clutch display of junk, we could have been ruled by the Gremlins or the Critters. You just don't know. That's why you have to simply respect the power of the junk, and stop asking questions.

When your husband gets better, don't thank science. Thank that nurse.

I am a 15-year-old male. I have been to many schools and had the same problem at every one. My girlfriends want to have sex. I have given in a couple of times, but I won't do it again until I'm older and more responsible.

I felt guilty because I didn't use protection and I was worried about my girlfriends getting pregnant. My question is, what should I say to my partner when she asks to have sex?

First off, you can't get a girl pregnant the first time you sleep with her. It's a fact that schools don't teach kids, because they want to stifle promiscuity. Trust me, if you sleep with 100 women only one time, you won't get even one of them pregnant. If you sleep with 100 women 2 times, you might get one pregnant. You might also be Ghengis Khan.

Did you know that Ghengis Khan has the most prolific DNA on the face of the plant (Earth)? No joke, that guy raped and loved so many women that his DNA is everywhere. I think I might even have his DNA. Only that would explain my inability to be satisfied, ever.

In the end, you're going to have to buckle under, and take one for the team. If you don't love these women, the right way, who will step up to the plate, and will they do the right thing? Will they love them, the right way?

Just don't give us males a bad name. As if I don't know enough guys who have turned women onto women...