My 53-year-old husband insists on raising the window shade and turning on the light when he takes a bath and when he washes up in the morning. He strips naked to brush his teeth and wash his face while standing 4 feet from the window. The window is large, and it starts just above the bathtub.

I have asked him not to do it because I don't think it's appropriate. I have told him he will be regarded as the "weird old man" in the neighborhood. When I told him the situation bothered me, he stopped for a few weeks. Now he's at it again.

Our yard is large and open, so there's an opportunity for the neighbors to see what's going on. How do I get him to stop? Or should I just let him continue and try to get over it?

Everyone has a different way to express themselves artistically, and while the critics never unanimously agree, the artist has to keep doing what he or she does to express themselves to the best of their abilities.

I have often heard that Escape From New York is John Carpenter's finest moment. I have also heard that Halloween is his finest moment. Some have even said that The Thing is his true best masterpiece. There is no true consensus. There are no facts here - just opinions. Should Carpenter only do horror movies, just because he made a few brilliant ones? Should he always have Kurt star in his movies, because of their incredible chemistry? We can't put these limits on the artist. We're only critics here, consumers, and greedy ones at that.

You have to stop being greedy. Yes, you might have a higher stake in his business, but the man is an artist, and his art must be shared with the world. You know his brilliance, but he wants everyone to see it too.

Your husband is afraid of becoming the next Van Gogh, whose genius was only discovered after he was spread out naked on a table in the local morgue. Don't do that to him. Rather, encourage him. Give him ideas on how to make his performances even better. Some will complain. Some will appreciate it as art.

By the way, please write back and tell us your address so I can avoid driving down your street. Thanks.

Dear Teeter: My best friend, "Beth," has a boyfriend I'll call Jeff. I have an insanely strong crush on him. I am 14, but I am very mature for my age and have unusually intense feelings. Seeing Jeff with Beth every day is torture.

The school counselors suggested I immerse myself in something to get my mind off Jeff -- sports, drama, my studies -- anything. I tried for months, but it hasn't worked. I can barely function because I'm so miserable and lovesick.

A few days ago, Beth told me she doesn't like Jeff as a boyfriend as much as she used to and would really rather be good friends with him. But she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I want to tell her how I feel about him, but I can't bring myself to do it. What if she laughs at me or tells me he'd never like me? Please help. I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain

As a woman mature for your age, you have to understand primitive psychology. I am a master at this. Let me educate you...

NEVER tell your friend how you really feel about Jeff. If she knows you like him like that, her competitive instincts will kick in and she'll be all up his butt, just in it to win it. Nothing gets under anyone's skin more than losing. That's what this is about here. Is she going to be a winner or a loser. Don't let her think she'll be a winner for keeping him away from you. Make her think she's cutting her losses on a lost cause.

Talk him up. Build up her expectations. Those expectations will only be disappointed, of course. I mean, talk about how he's getting better at being a bf. Or how he's really not clingy, or possessive. This will all prove wrong, and lead into the next point...

When you talk about how great he is, her natural instinct will be to argue with you. The truth will come out. On the other hand, if you were to talk badly about him, she would defend him, either inwardly or outwardly - just a bad move on your part to talk any smack.

The destroyers of relationships: competition and disappointed expectations. Learn to play people on those two ends and you can manipulate them with ease. That's how I do things. I have one friend who always falls for that stuff. Any time he finds a chick, I tell him how great she is and I never say I want her. He feels safe (from me), and expects her to be perfect. He ends up being wrong on both counts, and I end up a winner. As usual. I rule.

My husband and I are newlyweds living in an apartment complex. We have dear friends living nearby who are older and widowed. Our problem is that these friends don't give us any time to be alone. They interrupt us at the most inopportune moments.

How can we let these lovely people know that we need our privacy without hurting their feelings?

You always have to keep diplomacy on your lips, no matter how far it is from your heart. Don't do anything direct. Just tell your neighbors that you want some privacy, and make a vacation trip to Vegas. Or even stage a trip and go to a local hotel and get your privacy there.

Make sure that the hotel is not haunted though. Before you check in, do research on the hotel to ensure that no murders have occurred there, and especially not in your room. Your intimate moments will suck when blood starts pouring down the walls, or when some spirit possesses your husband and ravishes you in an uncomfortable place. Though that would be an awesome excuse to use. But if the ghosts trap you in by sealing the doors, don't say I didn't warn you.

Which reminds me - you guys could also use jetglue to seal your neighbors' doors. Then enjoy the night in. When the firemen or the pigs break them out, and they come to you asking for an explanation, you could say it was a practical joke. If they don't laugh, accuse them of being German. The bigotry should throw them off.

Why do you want privacy anyways? When they visit, you should just do it, in the next room, or hell, right in front of them. I mean, come on. That's why they're there. The live sex show. They're great at first, but get old quick. Soon you'll have your privacy in spades. Just do it.

My boyfriend, "Oliver," is obsessed with making his car stereo system the loudest in our school. That means I am alone and depressed most of the time because I miss him and have nothing to do. I never get to see him in school because our class schedules are different, and on weekends we both have to work.

It feels like I hang out with his best friend more, and he agrees that Justin needs to pay me a little more attention. Yes, I have told Oliver how I feel, but his only reply was that he agreed he was being a jerk, he realizes he hasn't seen me -- and he's sorry. The next day he was back at it, messing around with the wires and speakers.

Please help me. What can I say to him to fix this problem?

Yeats was talking about your boyfriend when he wrote, "But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." That stereo is his dream, and you're getting in its way. Move on, honey.

Your boyfriend is like an eagle, he wants to be free, flying in the mountains with the birds. You're a python, trying to constrict him. Come to think of it, your relationship is the flag of Mexico, and the value is qualified in pesos. Take a second and ponder that bowl of Froot Loops.

Wrap a flannel shirt around your arm, break the driver side window of his car, and steal his stereo and speakers. Also remember to take anything else laying around in there so it looks random. Like CDs and loose change, floor mats. Maybe also jack the tires too for good measure. Make it look like desperate people were involved. When he calls you for support and consolation, or an answer, ask him, in a very slow drawl, while looking him straight in the eys, if he thinks the Mexicans did it. The bigotry should throw him off.

Take the stereo and speakers out into an open field with a 9-iron and an iron pipe and go to work on those suckas.